On the morning of Monday October 2nd, 2017, I awoke to the news of the horrific tragedy that occurred in Vegas the night before. A gunman opened fire on 20,000 unsuspecting concert goers from a 32nd-story window of a nearby hotel, killing 58 people and injuring around 500 others, before then killing himself. As I began to try to make sense of this ruthless act, it dawned on me that I would one day have to explain this to my young son, and that many parents are in the position where they would have to explain this to their children. How are we supposed to do that?!? How do we explain an event that makes no sense and has no explanation? And how do we shield our children from the onslaught of media coverage that brings this event into our living room and into our minds on a constant basis? This blog is aimed at helping you talk to children about tragedy and help them cope.
All of us may be disturbed by images and stories of people getting hurt in the media or on TV. This is especially true for children and teens. Children can become anxious and fearful about the world around them. Depending on their age and level of maturity, children will perceive things differently than adults.
Unfortunately over the past few years in particular, we have been exposed to numerous mass killings that have been disturbing and heartbreaking for all of us. Images in the media and discussions around the world can be quite alarming for our kids. It is imperative that we recognize these events and explain what has happened. Sometimes our kids hear stories from others that may not be correct, so it is up to us to ensure they have the right perception.
Discussion is important
Tragedies affect everyone, both children and adults. Children need to talk about their fears, frustration and disbelief. It is important that we are watchful for these emotions and encourage open discussions. No matter what age or developmental stage the child is, parents can start by asking a child what they’ve already heard. Most children will have heard something, no matter how old they are. After you ask them what they’ve heard, ask what questions they have.
After asking your child what they have heard and if they have questions about what occurred during a school or community shooting, community bombing, natural disaster, or even a disaster in an international country, a parent can say something such as: “Yes. In [city], [state]” there was disaster and many people were hurt. The police and the government are doing their jobs so they can try to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.” A parent can follow-up as needed based on the child’s reactions and questions.
In general, it is best to share basic information with children, not graphic details, or unnecessary details about tragic circumstances. Children and adults alike want to be able to understand enough so they know what’s going on. Graphic information and images should be avoided.
When talking about tragedy to kids, your choice of words really depends on the age of the children.
Younger children
Remember with younger children (up to nine years old) to be uncomplicated in your explanations without going into gory details, especially if the tragedy is extremely unpleasant. Be supportive and reassuring during your discussion. Keep young children away from repetitive graphic images and sounds that may appear on television, radio, social media, computers, etc.
The reality is that even children as young as 4 years old will hear about major crisis events. It’s best that they hear about it from a parent or caregiver, as opposed to another child or in the media.
Even the youngest child needs accurate information, but you also don’t want to be too vague. Simply saying, “Something happened in a faraway town and some people got hurt,” doesn’t tell the child enough about what happened. The child may not understand why this is so different from people getting hurt every day and why so much is being said about it. The underlying message for a parent to convey is, “It’s okay if these things bother you. We are here to support each other.”
Older children, and teens
Older children, teens, and young adults might ask more questions and may request and benefit more from additional information. But no matter what age the child is, it’s best to keep the dialogue straightforward and direct. Older children will be able to handle more information.
With older children, if you do want them to watch the news, watch a stream or recording ahead of time. That allows you to preview it and evaluate its contents before you sit down with them to watch it. Then, as you watch it with them, you can stop, pause, and have a discussion when you need to.
Today, most older children will have access to the news and graphic images through social media and other applications right from their cell phone. You need to be aware of what’s out there and take steps in advance to talk to children about what they might hear or see.
General guidelines
Be truthful: Children need to understand what is happening around them to feel secure. Provide them with facts about what happened and acknowledge it was a terrible and frightening event. Help them to see that we share their feelings.
Feelings are Normal: Some children may take a while to get over tragic events and that is perfectly normal. Allow them to cry if they need to and show their emotions. Share your feelings about what happened with them. Help your kids to verbalize their feelings with you. Secure them with a warm cuddle and remind them that they are safe. Keep things in perspective and remind them that not all people are harmful towards others.
Ensure they feel safe: Explain to them that it is a real misfortune what has happened and that we all feel for those people who were there or are experiencing pain.
Stay close by and show affection as they desire: give them a hug and reassure them that their world is safe. Keep them among familiar things until they’re feeling more secure, for example family and friends.
What to look out for
The following days, weeks or months after any exposure to a tragedy, children may experience some difficulty adjusting or being able to manage negative feelings associated with the event. Be watchful for some signs that your child may need some additional support.
Sleep problems: Watch for trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, difficulty waking, nightmares or other sleep disturbances.
Physical complaints: Children may complain of feeling tired, having a headache, or generally feeling unwell. You may notice your child eating too much or less than usual.
Changes in behavior: Look for signs of regressive behavior including social regression, acting more immature, or becoming less patient and more demanding. A child who once separated easily from her parents may become clingy. Teens may begin or change current patterns of tobacco, alcohol, or substance use.
Emotional problems: Children may experience undue sadness, depression, anxiety, or fears.
Another note about behavioral changes: Kids who are behaving differently may need some more reassurance, time and talking. If it continues it might be time to seek professional help. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a child is reacting in a typical way to an unusual event or whether they are having real problems coping, and might need extra support. If you are concerned, talk to your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional or counselor.
*Don’t wait for the signs. Start the discussion early, and keep the dialogue going.